My decision has made me feel goood.

Since I've made up my mind about moving back to Springfield I have actually felt a lot better. I am excited to go back and start school again, I've only had a couple of weeks off and I'm going crazy with nothing to do.

I went to Springfield yesterday and had such amazing luck. I went to get my last check at Lady Foot Locker and I ended up getting my job back. I was so happy, i didnt even have to ask, my boss asked me if i wanted it back. The candy stand has now turned into a jewelry stand, but my boss also offered my job back there as well. I couldnt believe it, i was really suprised.

On that note I decided to find an apartment instead of signing up for a dorm. So i got to stay at the hotel that Chelsey works at, it was kinda weird though. I woke up a couple of times expecting to be in my room, but then realized I'm a hotel room. I did decide on an apartment, the building has been remodeled and looks good on the outside, but hallways look crappy but i'm not worried about the halls. The apartment is actually very cute, they have remodeled it (the kitchen doesnt look extremely new but its not bad) and the living room is HUGE! I'm excited to get but now im worrying how I am going to afford some stuff i need. I need cups and pots and pans for the kitchen, a couch and TV stand for the living room and possibly a bed. I could probably take the bed I'm sleeping on now but It's usually the guest bed.

I have signed up for my classes, my schedule kinda sucks though. I'm not positive on my science class just yet.

This week has already been busy, and it's only Tuesday.

Change of plans.

Ok, i've changed my mind. I'm moving back to Springfield.

Heres how i feel:
It just feel like it will be way easier on me if I go back. I'm already a student there, and transfering is a pain in my ass. If I go back I'm pretty positive I will graduate next December, if i transfer to UMSL I wont graduate until Spring 2012, maybe even summer. I want to be done.

I dont care what anyone thinks, I am doing this for myself. NOT for anyone else.

Chelsey, dont be mad at me. I just think it will be way easier for me to just go back and finish what i started. I dont want to take a break from school, I want to keep going. I feel like I made a mistake dropping everything so quickly and and moving home so fast anyway.

I should have finished the semester to begin with and taken time to think about it, i'm super dumb for not doing that.

But anyway, my mind is made up. Making a trip to Springfield tomorrow to see if i hopefully still have time to sign up for a dorm room, and im praying there is a 1 person dorm left. I'd love to have a room all to myself.

I'm done.

Getting started on school

Well I'm starting to apply for school. I started an application but I'm getting confused with it a bit. I have a tour set up on December 10, I'm sure it will be cold but i need to get this school thing going, thats why I've started applying.

I'm craving Mexican food. I have yet to have some good Mexican food since I've gotten home. I tried this new place in Washington and I wasnt to impressed with it. I want my fajita nachos so bad.

Last night.....all i can say is blah. I had a wonderful chat with a wonderful person. It was a bit sad and I cried a couple of times during it but it made me feel ok. To know that someone does miss me and wants to see me just as bad as i want to see them. But sadly, that wont happen until Christmas.

Thats all for now.

See the new picture ---->

I think my hair turned out good :). I like the bangs, but i was a little disapointed in the highlights, they are really suddle and i guess i wanted them to stand out a little more. But it's not bad.

I am not having any luck with finding a job. But, my mom talked to someone lady at family services and she is sending my mom and I something to fill out and it will apparently help us find a job. I did skip this old grocery store in downtown Washingotn, i might end up applying there. It's something. Cause I'm starting to run out of money and i still have Christmas presents to buy.

So Wednesday night was a ton of fun. Some of my friends and I went out, it was raining really bad, but it was still fun. I had a really confusing night though. All kinds of crap going through my head. I'm still a little confused but I dont want to get into details, maybe later.

My Thanksgiving was just eh. Went to my grandmas and i think this was the smallest family get together at my grandmas i've seen in a long time. I could barely eat anything, being as this was the first holiday without Kenny and I've had in awhile. And i didnt stay long, which I kinda felt bad leaving early, but yesterday just wasnt the best.

Well thats all i have for now.

A new me

A brief update, there will be a new me come tomorrow....say around 5ish?

I am getting my hair cut and highlighted tomorrow. No worries on the cutting though, im definently keeping it long, just getting a trim and.....BANGS! And like full on bangs too. I want Kate Hudsons bangs in Bride Wars:

I think there freaking cute and I'm getting them.

As for the highlights, i dont have any idea what I want to do. A friend of mine suggested caramel highlights and nothing bright. But i dont know, i kind of want to to do something different and crazy (but not extremely crazy). I've always wanted blonde and red highlights (i have brown hair). I need to figure this out by 3 tomorrow. blah.

Job hunting = no luck

So I went looking for jobs today, and had absolutley no luck. No one is hiring. Well thats not true, Target and Kohls is hiring for seasonal help. The only thing that sucks is I really dont want just a seasonal job, i'd like a job after Christmas is over. I did apply at target for the seasonal help cause i need the money for Christmas. I'm really trying to avoid Kohls, i know ive worked there before but i didnt really enjoy it that much. I was a super easy job but was really boring.

I havent been doing anything lately. This week should be a little fun. Wednesday I'm going out with some friends, its the biggest party night of the year. Then Friday I'm going with my friend Meek to try a new Thai/Japanese resturaunt. But, i'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving. I'm not looking forward to the holidays in general.

I'm starting to get really bored. I hope i find a job soon.

Dr. Pepper you will be the death of me.

I think I've had 5 Dr. Peppers today....not good.

This is the worst Friday ever. I'm super bored....It's only 9 o'clock :(. I'm watching the movie Valentine's Day, which i have seen like 4 times in the past week and still have not seen the begining. I'm so bored, i was watching Degrassi earlier....SERIOUSLY?! I have watched that crap since high school. I liked it back then but for real, it has gotten worse....it's definently high school crap.

Actually i've been bored for almost 2 weeks now...thats why i have been writing so much. Thats why it's time to find a job. I was suppose to go today with my mom (she needs a job too) but she didnt get home until like 3 so i will go Monday.

I really want to go to St. Louis tomorrow and walk around a mall or something but i dont have any money and i want to shop. I do have some money but i need to save it just in case i dont get a job as soon as possible, then i wouldnt have any money for Christmas. I hope something atleast happens tomorrow night, i cant stand staying in the house.

Oh boy.

I guess it's time to start job hunting. I'm having a hard time getting out of bed everyday, the last 2 days i havent gotten out of bed until almost 1 in the afternoon. I've been feeling like a lazy person and it makes me unhappy when I get out of bed that late, but yet again I dont do anything. So it's time to keep me busy. The only thing is I dont know if I want to get a full time, or a part time job since I'm not going to school. I think I'll just go for a part-time job.

I'm pretty possitive that I'm going to find an apartment close to campus when I start school again next fall. I really can't stand living in my parents house. As sad as that may sounds it's true. I want to have my own place again (not necessarily on my own, if someone wanted to get a place together i'd be totally up for that). Plus I'd rather be close to campus than drive an hour to school, even though it would only be 2 times a week. I just want to live in St. Louis.

I'm still not the best, thats why I've had a hard time getting out of bed lately. Chelsey, I know you said i need to start focusing on me and I'm starting to but its's still really hard.

Guess who drove 2 1/2 hours yesterday to Springfield?

This girl did.

So heres what I had planned:
I was going to go to Springfield this weekend and lay everything out there, do the whole romantic movie thing and do everything i could to get him back. But then he called me Monday night and I've became really worried about him. So I woke up Tuesday, got dressed, packed a bag just in case, got in my car and drove. I went down there because i was worried about him and wanted to see him, and I thought he might like a visit. I went back in forth in my head on weither i should try and get him back, and I was going to do it....but i didnt.

I brought it up while we were talking just to see what he would say, and he said it would have made everything akward and he eventually said it wouldnt be the right time. So I had apparently missed it. To me honest, i thought just me showing up spur of the moment would have been really romantic, but i guess it wasnt. Sure I had played out in my head that maybe he would come running to me and kiss me or something, but I knew that wouldnt happen. He ended up leaving around 8:30 to go to this study group with the club he is in....and i drove 2 1/2 hours back home.

Luckily, he was really suprised and liked the visit. When i left I felt a super embarrased and dumb, but he said I shouldnt be and that it was really nice to see me. I was also embarrased thinking he might ask me to stay the night... but I didnt tell him that.

I just cant believe that that was it, nothing happened. But I did want to make sure he was ok, I care about him to much not to.

Really...nothing yet?

I cant believe I havent heard from you yet....I seriously thought I would have heard from you by now....but no nothing. No call, no text, not even a message on facebook or messenger.

I'm dieing to talk to you, i figured you would be too. Who knows maybe you are, i just thought you would actually talk to someone if your dieing to do it and if you miss them and love them.

I'm sure some people are thinking why dont you just talk to him? Well I feel like its's his turn to talk to me. But it seriously driving me crazy that he hasnt said anything to me.

I cant help but think thats he is ok. That him telling me that he was going to miss me, crying and saying he's never going to see me again was all an act, that he was actually happy for me to be gone. I'm sure he's not ok, but i still have these thoughts in my head. I'm also driving myself crazy wondering what he is doing, who's he with, whats he thinking?

I know with time it will pass....but i seriously have lost the love of my life and my best friend. I want him back more than anyone knows. I really dont think i'm going to find anyone as good as him, i feel like if we never get back together that i'll have to settle on someone who's 2nd best.

I'm sorry for all this sappy sad stuff, but i'm afraid this is all everyone going to get for awhile.

Fucking nightmare.

So i think i might have made a mistake in moving back home. Now i really feel like I should have stayed in Springfield and gotten an apartment and just thoughed out the rest of the year.

Dont you think that if your daughter was moving back home that you would get the spare room cleared out and ready for her before she got home? But no, I had to make them do it finally.

And another thing is I dont feel at home. I have felt so uncomfortable and not welcome. My parents haven't been get along very well (I'll just leave it at that), so it hasnt been the best week so far. I dont know how much longer I can take it

Chelsey if you were serious about getting an apartment sometime in the future, i might just take you up on that offer.

I'm super worried about Kenny. Unlike some break up's i dont hate my ex (since we didnt break up on bad terms). I checked on him yesterday to see how he was doing, he said he wasnt doing very good so I'm sure he's still not doing the best. I want to be there for him so bad, i wish he would call or text me. But I feel like I've talked to him to much so I should let him talk to me this time.

UGH!

Hello Union.

Well....here I am, back in Union. I wish i could say home sweet home, but not so much.

I feel really uncomfortable in my own house. I cant stand it. I guess I had made home in Springfield, but now thats gone.

I had to say goodbye lastnight, and that was the worst and hard thing I have ever done. Walking away hurt more than anything.

I dont have a room here yet. I thought my parents would have gotten it ready before I came home, but nope. I'm in the spare room where theres so many things in the room you can hardly walk.

I miss even more now that I am 2 1/2 hours away. I'm miserable, and I think I will be for awhile.

The worst feeling in the world...

is a broken heart.

So I may not be writting for awhile. My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up Thursday officially.

I have decided to move back to my home town. I dont have any friends here in Springfield, the only one I have will be moving back to our hometown in December. If I had friends here I would stay and get my own apartment....and hopefully rekindle things with Kenny. I want to stay here more than anything to see if we could still patch things up, honestly i think we would if I stayed. But unfortunatly, i cant do this alone. I would be miserable by myself because i know Kenny and I wouldnt be seeing much of each other for awhile.

I'm not quitting school, but i do think I'm going to take a semester off and start back up next fall at UMSL in St. Louis.

So I made up my mind about moving back pretty quickly but i feel like it's the best thing. And I've talked to quite a bit of people who think this would be the right thing for me to do too.

I'm not giving up on Kenny and I....theres no way i can. Deep down I know that he is the one, I just hope someday he realizes the same thing....but i can only hope.

Halloween is over

Well of course, Halloween is over so it's time to change my layout, which i have. So I put up a Thanksgiving one or course!

This is me in my costume, It doesnt show everything but its the only picture i have:

Halloween was kind of a dissapointment. The pub crawl wasnt as fun as it was last year and we couldnt find anything to do after. Sunday was fun though, we did a scavanger hunt with some of our friends, but i ended up screwing up the end of the night.

So it's almost time to register for spring classes, i'm actually really suprised at how fast the semester has been going by. I've already got my classes picked out, so here they are: Political Sociology, Social Movements, Statistics, Survey of Astronomy (i think). From my calculations I only have to take 12 credit hours my last 2 semesters.

This last month has been a rough one. I'm not going into to details but I'll just say it hasnt been the best.

Hollister started playing Christmas music last week. It pissed me off because I hate how early they are playing the music now. It makes me upset because I do like Christmas music, but i like to hear it at Christmas time, not around Halloween and Thanksgiving. By the time Christmas comes now, I'm sick of hearing it.

As of right now the only reason I'm excited for Christmas is because it's the next time i should be able to go home. I'm not going home for Thanksgiving cause I'm going to work and hopefully get off for Christmas. I would rather go home for Christmas than Thanksgiving.

Bleh.