ATTENTION ANYONE WHO FOLLOWS MY BLOG!!

So i ended up making a new blog (sorry Chelsey, i know this seems to be happening a lot). But i got a new email address and its getting really annoying singing out of new email address which is a Gmail account and signing into my blogger with another email account so my new blog address is:

anincompletemess.blogspot.com

If you still want to follow along with me please subscribe!!

Im done.

It's time to give up, but im having such a hard time doing it.

I called him today cause i needed to talk to him about something (i dont want to mention it on here) cause he was the only one i knew to talk to, and then i got into talking about the past 2 weeks. I just needed to get things off of my chest about him leading me on. He actually got upset and said "i thought you thought higher of me". He told me he didnt mean to but he needs to watch what he says to me. He knows im still not over him and who says "call me sometime, i had fun" after a night of hanging out when your seeing someone else? Thats not cool.

It's seriously hard and so weird for him to be completly out of my life. I asked him what he thought, he said it was weird but he didnt really seem to care. He told me he'll always love me and care about me, but i seriously think thats not the case anymore. I dont feel it what so ever.

School is hard to keep up with lately since all this happened, but im trying. I'm going home this weekend and going to the doctor, im hoping after that I will get better. I've been told it will be, but im nervous it wont.

I would love to start dating again, but i dont know anyone around here and dating websites arent really my cup of tea. They make me a little nervous.

This week needs to be over, and the roads need to be clear by Friday.

I'm so sick of this.

So I am so tired of Kenny misleading me, he has done it 3 times now. I am right back to where i started....i'm back to the way i was and was feeling when we first broke up.

So here what happened. Since he told me about him and this girl, i thought they hadnt seen each other since about 2 weeks ago. He was talking to me in class more, we were having good conversations. Last Friday I was heading over to his apartment to give him my notebook cause he had missed class and he suggested meeting at Chiptole cause he was hungry. So we met there and had dinner. After we ate we spent an hour and a half sitting there and talking. When we left I was a bit suprised he didnt ask to hang out (guess that should have been a hint). But he was going to Borders and I told him i was suprised he didnt ask to hang out, and he said that he thought id ask to go to borders with him. So that made me think, "hey, he doesnt want to hang out with me more", so i went to Borders with him. After Borders we parted ways which i was suprised again that he didnt ask to hang out at one of our apartments or something. Then when we left he said "You should call me sometime, i had fun"....i guess i felt like if he was still seeing someone he wouldnt have said that. So then Thursday I had plans to go out, i hadnt heard from her so i texted Kenny. I thought he might be nice and invite me out with him and his friends just to be nice. I ended up going out with my friend and got a little drunk, i sent him a fun text and he ignored it. So the next day in class I asked him about it, and he said he didnt think about it and that he was with some people. I also asked him why he wasnt nice and asked me to come out with him and his friends. And he said...."I would have but the girl i told you about was with us and i figured you wouldnt want to be there". WOW. I was stunned, i asked him if he was still seeing her and he said yes.

I was so pissed and hurt all at the same time. When he would tell me about his weekends, he made it sound like he was at his apartment alone doing nothing...but no she was with him. I told him about something I had done that i thought he would be jealous about....and it didnt phase him at all. I think thats what got me the most....cause that means he really has nothing left for me. I couldnt believe wasnt just a little upset.

The next day I got on facebook and he had a song lyric as his status that was of course about her....and immediatly deleted him. I cant stand seeing that stuff, especially when those status use to be about me. I had bagged up some things he got me, and when i went to work i threw them away, i was going to donate them but i was mad/upset. He has a picture fram that i left at the apartment cause it had a picture of me and him in it and i thought it might make him miss me when he saw it (is that bad?). I told him I want it back, texted him today and we got into a fight over a table I had left him. All i wanted was to see if he would be concerned for me and I wanted to talk to someone and he was the one i wanted to talk to.

I just dont know why I am the one who is still hurting. He moved on so quickly....and i'm so shocked. I think i moved back to Springfield to soon....i think i should have stayed in Union. I dont know anyone down here and i have a hard time making friends.

Chelsey how did you do it?

I've got the blues, the reds and the pinks...

Can you finish that lyric? lol its how i feel.

I'm so sick of seeing hearts and red and pink and bears and blah, blah, blah. I'm seriously dredding Valentines day. I'm seriously considering going home, I want to see my family and my friends really bad. The only thing about my friends though....none of them are single. So i have a feeling they will be with their signifigant others. Atleast i would have my family, i guess.

Kenny and I have been talking more. One thing i enjoy is that he we dont immediatly part ways after walking to the next building I have class in, we stand and talk a bit. This past Friday was nice because we met up at Chipotle so i could give him the notes from class he missed. We had dinner and sat and talked for almost 2 hours, then went to Borders. I was a bit suprised we didnt hang out more that night but oh well. I feel like he wants to hang out more...if thats true he needs to make the move, not me.

Pretty much all I've done is work and school. I havent done anything the past 2 weekends, i just come home and do nothing. I'm starting to get a bit down because of that, it just keeps reminding me I dont have friends. I thought I'd be going out a friend from work this Thursday, but i dont think we will since she has decided to go out of town this weekend.

Bleh.

Oh yeah, thats coming up.

So today it really hit me that Valentines day is in a couple of weeks. The thing im most worried about is the weekend before since Valentines day is on a Monday this year. I dont know if im going to be able to handle that weekend by myself. I really dont want to spend it alone, right now im thinking about going home for the weekend but im not sure if that will really help. I think all i'll have is my parents that weekend, which isnt bad but i would really like to spend it with my friends. I want to go out that weekend. One friend has a boyfriend which she will probably be spending that weekend with him, and my other friend will have her son that weekend. The actual day of Valentines day i will have class with him. Thats probably going to be really hard too.

I wish i had someone to spend Valentines day with, i loved having someone to spend it with the last 3 years and now im alone again. I'm not one of those people who hate Valentines day and spend the whole day being mad and pissed off. But im down during the day and i feel lonely, but i try really hard not to show it.

Theres a snow storm heading to Springfield, it's not suppose to start until midnight but i really hope that it amounts to something. I'm just having a really hard time with school this semester. I already droped a class, but i droped it because i didnt like the teacher. She was having us pretty much teach the class and i dont like that, it just seems to lazy to me.

Hoping for lots of snow.

Alone.

This weekend was miserable. It made me feel so lonely and made me realize again that I have no friends down here. All I did was work and come home, how sad huh?

My mom keeps telling me I need to make friends, and trust me I want to but I have a hard time meeting new people when I'm by myself. I am very shy and I have a hard time being social. When I am with my friends and I meet new people that way its easier for me. My friends that I had here in Springfield were Kenny's friends, but it was easy for me to talk to them and I liked them but of course they were his friends so I dont see them anymore.

I have a ton of reading to catch up on for school. I didnt read at all the first week of school, i just had a hard time coping and couldnt concentrate on school work. I dont work today so I'll hopefully do it today. I also have a paper due Wednesday and I have no clue what to wrtie for that. I mean we have questions that we pretty much answer, but I'm stumped.

So some weird reason, i really thought I would hear from him this weekend, even just chatting on MSN...but no, nothing.

Meh.

So I've finished my first week of classes and let me tell ya, this week was a freaking nightmare. I still have one class with Kenny, and I was miserable this whole week. I've barely said anything to him this week except for yesterday. We walked together and I talked a little bit more, but not much. The only thing I liked about this week was being at work, atleast there I am around people.

I'm still not use to this whole living alone thing. I tried to sleep in my bed Wednesday night and that didnt work out at all. I maybe slept 2 hours, i swear I didnt fall asleep at all. I still miss having someone to come home to....now all I have is an empty apartment to come home to.

So the weight loss thing is coming along, slowly though. I've been drinking a lot less soda, excpet I had had a little to much this week. I think I've had 5, but a couple of those days I hardly had any sleep and I needed it cause I was at work. I'm pretty sure I'm starting to loose inches before pounds. I can tell I'm loosing weight cause my clothes are fitting much looser, but when i weight myself it tells me i've only lost like 5 pounds. I'm also eating less than i use to which is helping.

Well I havent really been doing much so thats all I have to say i guess.

Better? maybe.

So I have been in my apartment for about a week now. Still not use to living alone though. I'm sure I'll get use to it, but I dont think I'll ever like it. I like having someone else around, even if it is my 7 year old brother, i just like the company. I almost wish I would have gotten a studio apartment. I know that sounds weird but when I was home I had gotten use to sleeping with the T.V. on. When i sleep with the T.V. on i feel less scared and kind of like someone is here, and i only have a T.V. in my living room. I actually slept in the living room lastnight, my couch is huge and it pretty much like a bed, i slept well too.

So far I have gone through 2 days of school, even though i still have a class tonight. I'm having a hard time getting up in the morning. I just dont have the energy and I dont want to go. I also have a hard time eating breakfast in the morning, im not sure why but i just feel like I'm going to get sick as soon as I wake up.

I went back to work yesterday at Lady Foot Locker, I was happy to be there and i got to work with someone I like. Not that i dont like anyone there, but theres one lady that I have told everything to about our break up and I enjoy her company. I start working at the stand again on Saturday and i think Sunday. It's no longer a candy stand though, its a jewelry stand now. They owned a jewelry stand before and it made good money, the candy business wasnt doing well so they switched back and have doing good.

Well I guess thats it for now. I need to go to campus and print some things, i forgot to buy ink and paper for my printer.

Rock bottom.

So I've definently hit rock bottom. I'm miserable, i cant stop crying, my eyes are swollen and I hurt all over. I found out yesterday that Kenny had a date Wednesday night. I'm taking this new worse than the actual break up. I just cant believe that he has already moved on and is dating people. I havent even given dating others a thought.

I took some cups to him yesterday and started to panic while I was there. I just wanted him to say he had moved on and was over me and doesnt love me anymore. But all he would say was he doesnt know and he's in a weird place. Yes, i know he has every right to to date cause were not together but it hurts, I've never felt this before.

His friend told me he's not sure whats going on with him regarding me and him but that I shouldnt give up just yet. He seemed kind of suprised when i told him i want to get back together, but i dont know. Its going to take me awhile to move on, so i wont be giving up in one day but i can only wait for so long.

Alcohol will be friend this weekend.

Boooorrrrreeeeedddddd

So I'm sitting in a hotel in Springfield and im really bored. I have to share the room with my little brother too, which isnt a big deal.

Tomorrow I'm moving into my apartment and im excited yet sad at the same time. Im excited to have my own place, but then i think about how lonely its going to be. Im sure i will be fine, but ya know....its kinda weird when you were living with someone only 3 months ago.

I seriously cant believe how hard of a time i'm having with this break up. I broke down last night and cried the most i've cried since it first happened. I really thought we would have goten back together by now...last time it was only 4 days. I keep getting mad cause I have a friend who tells me "i think its time to let go." Well....if i could just wake up one day and say "ok im going to let go" and it magically go away I would, but it just doesnt work that way. I want to let go, i do but its going to take some time on my part.

Well early day tomorrow, off to bed.

New Years...

So Christmas has come and gone and i was honestly glad to see it gone. This year just didnt feel like Christmas, i wasnt happy and felt alone. And the sad thing is im not looking that fowards to New Years. I'm always excited about going out on New Years eve, but not this year. I did get a lot of things I needed for my apartment for Christmas which is good, i liked my presents :).

So for the New Years resolution. Everyone makes this resolution and i make it every single year and never go through with it, but this year its going to happen. My resolution is to of course loose weight. I have gained so much weight and i am soooo unhappy about how i look. I lost about 20 pounds my senior year of high school and since 2008 i gained it all back. I call it the boyfriend weight, cause i was in a relationship since 2007 so i didnt pay attention to the way i look since i had someone who accepted me for who i was. I started to become unhappy about my weight over the summer but never did anything about it, but now i am actually going to do something about it.

The first step is to quit drinking soda ONCE AND FOR ALL. That is my biggest down fall is soda, espcially since my favorite is Dr. Pepper (dark soda is worse than white soda). When i lost all my weight in 2006 i went down to drinking 1 soda a day (i was drinking like 4 or 5 a day before then). I also stoped snacking, only had 1 serving when it came to meals and never ate past 8 pm. I'm not going to have a lot of money for groceries so i dont plan on buying snack foods, i also dont plan on keeping soda in my apartment either.

Second step is of course exercising. I have a work out facility in my apartment complex so i will start using that. I also plan on ordering Zumba DVDs. If you havent heard of that, its pretty much an arobic workout where you dance. This is becoming very popular where i am from and they offer classes at a gym every week. It claims that you loose 1,000 calories in one workout and you workout for an hour. Everyone who has done it says its a lot of fun so i want to try it. I dont have anyone to go to a class with in Springfield so im just going to get the DVDs.

I'm ready to start doing this. A friend of mine from my hometown has lost a lot of weight this past year (it was her resolution for 2010) and she looks amazing. She kind of gave me the encouragement to do this, just by seeing how good she looks now. So i am going to start this when i get settled into my apartment. I'll keep updates on my progress on here.

Go away snow!

So it seems to snow at the worst possible times. Yes, i do like it to snow around Christmas cause i love the whole white Christmas thing, but this year i could have done without snow, i just didnt it want it this year. But who knows, maybe we will go for a walk tonight (i can only hope).

I finally got a straight answer from him on why he hasnt talked to me lately. I just really wished he would have taken me and my feelings into consideration. I told him he needed to put himself in my shoes here cause i was so confused as to what was going on. He got a little upset when I asked him and he said "why do i have to keep explaining?" I of course had asked him before but didnt really get a good answer. Sorry but " i hadnt thought about it" is not a good enough asnwer.

This month has not been fair. You cant talk to someone everynight for 2 weeks saying all these cute things and pouring your heart out with these words of regret and then just stop talking to me out of nowhere. If something was and/or is going on you need to atleast say something to me so im not completely lost like I am now. And if those werent words of regret that night then you need to explain to me what they were.

So its Christmas eve and I havent even started wraping presents yet. I dont have much, i have jus been avoiding doing it. I just got to unwrap my Christmas eve present and it was a Charlie Brown tree :). Im sure a lot of people have seen the Charlie Brown trees at Walgreens, I like it :).

Well thats really all I have to say. Hope everyone has a good Christmas :)

So what happened?

Do you ever feel like something is going great, things seem to be looking up and theres a chance that something possitive is going to happen soon? THEN all of a sudden things do a compete turn around and it's completely different? Well thats happened to me this past week. I think someone needs to tell me what is going on. I was telling myself to be patient and just see how this plays out, but i cant take it anymore. I'm so confused and I dont think I can do this. As you can see I am a very impatient person.

The past week has been super crappy. I have started walking backwards with the process of getting over this break up. I never want to get out of bed, all I want to do is sleep anymore (but it doesnt help that I have nothing to do during the week). Also, it hasnt helped that my parents haven't been the way they use to be and I'm not use to that at all. That has gotten me down too and the only person I want to talk about my parents is Kenny.

So the only positive news I have to report about is that my cousin was indused this morning to have her baby. As of an hour ago she was only dialated to a 4 and she went in at like 5 this morning. I guess she is going to be in labor for awhile. So I will hopefully get to meet my 2nd cousin tomorrow. I'm not sure what they are naming him yet, but I will probably post a picture on here later.

In a baking mood.

I have been wanting to bake for a week now. I always hear people say how much a pain baking is, but i love to make cookies and cakes and all kinds of things. I'll admit I only have a couple of recipes that I have made, but im determined to have more. I've been looking at recipes today, I have a recipe box that I have yet to fill so I'm trying to fill it (but now just with baking recipes).



Here are some of the cookies I make (I didnt take these pictures by the way):

Peppermint Snowballs

I make these at Christmas time, however I'm not sure if I'll be making them this year.


Lemon Coolers

I was so happy when i found this recipe! Nabisco had a branch called Sunshine and they made cookies called lemon coolers when i was a kid and I absolutley loved them. They stoped making them and I have tried to find them but no luck. This recipe is actually called Lemon Snowballs, but I like Lemon Coolers better.

Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Cookies.

I make these around Halloween and Thanksgiving. My Grandma cant wait for this cookies every year. I gave her the recipe but she says they never turn out the way mine turn out. I love to hear that :)

Cake Balls

Now, I have not made these yet but I am dieing to make them. When i worked at the candy stand just a month ago we sold these and they were sooooooooo good! I cant wait to make them, but i feel like I need an occasion to make them for because it makes so many.

If anyone out there would like the recipes all you have to do is go go allrecipes.com (no, none of my recipes are original) and search for these cookies (remember to search for Lemon Snowballs if you want the lemon coolers recipe). Or I can share them! I love baking, i might just make some tonight :)

Well it snowed

So it snowed here in Union Saturday night, but it was the big snow that im dreading. It covered the grass and streets and the roads were pretty slick. The big snow I'm talking about is where the snow is coming down really hard and its so beautiful and the your prediction is 3-5 inches. This big snow has signifigance thats why I'm not looking forward to it.

You dont know how bad I want to spout off about some things that have been happening, but I'm to scared to post it on here. Remember that confusing I was talking about a couple of posts ago? Well its still there and its gotten worse. I keep telling myself: Good thing, good things come to those who wait. Just be patient, but good god this is going a bit to far.

Chelsey i need that sleep over, i need to get a lot of this stuff off my chest. I'm going crazy.

The Temperature is droping.

So it is getting colder and colder by the hour here in Missouri. I have a Weather Channel desktop thingy on my desktop that i can click on to tell me the weather and theres an icon on the bottom right corner of my computer that tells me the temperature, and everytime i look it has droped. We are suppose to get 1-2 inches of snow, but it hasnt started yet.

So I am becoming more and more obsessed with makeup. I have been wanting to find a good pallete with a bunch of different colors in it so i can take that when i travel instead of putting a bunch of different eye shadows in my makeup bag. I have also wanted to buy some stuff from Sephora for the longest time, but its just so expensive. I may pay the money though to get a good eyeshadow pallete.

These are the ones I have picked out: The Beauty Encyclopedia: Basic Eye Edition $5 at eyeslipsface.com


Smashbox Eye Wish Palette $45 at Sephora

Urban Decay Urban Ammo Eye Palette $36 at Sephora

Now of course I'm sure a lot of people would say to go for the cheapest one, which isnt a bad idea cause i love E.L.F. cosmetics, but i've always wanted to get some makeup from Sephora. So I may spend some Christmas money on that :).

I can not wait to move back to Springfield (i swear i never thought i would hear myself say that). I am ready to go back to school and work, I am so bored here in the house all the time. All of my friends I hang out with here work during the day and one has classes at night during the week, so I dont really get to do anything. So I'm ready to be busy again.

Things are going ok with me, gotten a bit better so thats always good =)

Hope your enjoying the Christmas background!

I have a home

Well i got accepted for an apartment, thank goodness! I'll be moving back to Springfield January 3, but then I'll just be turning around and coming home that weekend for my friends birthday. Oh well!

I have been so down lately. Theres all kinds of problems going on around me and I cant stand it anymore. I dont seem to have anyone to talk to about it either. I text my 2 friends who I normally talk to and they send me 1 text in reply and thats it. I dont have anyone to hang out with during the week either which doesnt help.

It's still 2 weeks until Christmas, but as the days go by and it gets closer I realize more and more that I'm going to be alone this Christmas. Yeah, I'll have family but it's not same. Having a special someone to spend the holidays has been amazing the past 2 years, and now I dont have that anymore. Plus I had grown very close to his family, and I wont get to see them anymore. Thanksgiving was hard, but I think Christmas will be much harder.

Confusion

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my had its not even funny. I'm a believer of the saying "Good things come to those who wait" but I am not the most patient person in the world. I want to know whats going on, but I do hope It's positive, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up but i think they are starting to slip up there.

I feel like the first big snow is just around the corner....and I'm dreading it. I wish it wouldn't snow this year, that would be great. Seeing as I live in Missouri though, I'm sure it will snow big a couple of times this year.

I am starting to get a little more excited about Christmas, sort of. Mitchell has a Christmas program this Thursday and I'm happy I get to see that, if i was still going to school I would be missing it. One of the songs they are singing is Feliz Navidad and he gets to play the maracas :). One thing I do always look forward to every year is watching A Charlie Brown Christmas, I never miss it.

So those cups I talked about in the last post, i ended up returning them and getting a different set. I didnt like the others ones very much.

The end.

Money troubles.

So im starting to completly freak out about money. I have spent all of the money in both of my checking accounts and I am coming really close to maxing out my credit card. I applied for unemployment and got denied, which i was really counting on that. I still want to buy my mom one more Christmas present, I need someway to pay my credit card bill, and I keep thinking of more things I need for my apartment. ugh. I'm sure my dad will give me money, but my parents are having some pretty bad money troubles of their own.

I got a little lucky and go was able to buy a couple of things for my apartment already (i know i'm kind of jumping the gun seeing as i havent even gotten the apartment yet). My dad got $45 in Kohls cash last week. If you dont know what that is, every so often Kohls has a week where if you spend $50 you get $10 in Kohls cash, and my dad earned $45. I use this to get somet things.

I got lucky and found these glasses on clearance for $15 (originally $40). They were marked down cause the set was missing 2 of the small glasses, which didnt bother me any, i'm still getting 6.

I also got a cute set of salt and pepper shakers for $3, originally $15 (i think). I couldnt find a picture of them but they kinda look like fish, even though i have a feeling they were going for that. And i got a paper towel holder, nothing special but i need it.

I've asked my family for a couple of the things I need. I asked my grandma if she still needed an idea for me to get me a microwave and I asked my parents to get me a pot and pan set. This is the set I want, It literally comes with everything and its only $40.

Well I'm really hoping I come into some money soon, I just dont know how.

My decision has made me feel goood.

Since I've made up my mind about moving back to Springfield I have actually felt a lot better. I am excited to go back and start school again, I've only had a couple of weeks off and I'm going crazy with nothing to do.

I went to Springfield yesterday and had such amazing luck. I went to get my last check at Lady Foot Locker and I ended up getting my job back. I was so happy, i didnt even have to ask, my boss asked me if i wanted it back. The candy stand has now turned into a jewelry stand, but my boss also offered my job back there as well. I couldnt believe it, i was really suprised.

On that note I decided to find an apartment instead of signing up for a dorm. So i got to stay at the hotel that Chelsey works at, it was kinda weird though. I woke up a couple of times expecting to be in my room, but then realized I'm a hotel room. I did decide on an apartment, the building has been remodeled and looks good on the outside, but hallways look crappy but i'm not worried about the halls. The apartment is actually very cute, they have remodeled it (the kitchen doesnt look extremely new but its not bad) and the living room is HUGE! I'm excited to get but now im worrying how I am going to afford some stuff i need. I need cups and pots and pans for the kitchen, a couch and TV stand for the living room and possibly a bed. I could probably take the bed I'm sleeping on now but It's usually the guest bed.

I have signed up for my classes, my schedule kinda sucks though. I'm not positive on my science class just yet.

This week has already been busy, and it's only Tuesday.